ONE YEAR ON!

A year ago today.

By about this time, I was in A&E in the Leeds general Infirmary, doctors and nurses swarming around me, neck brace on, covered in blood from the lacerations down my left side. 

I had a fractured skull and was unable to move my legs. My pelvis was shattered and separated from my spine, held together by a corset type contraption.

My body would convulse as each hit of morphine wore off.

I was sent from room to room, to x-rays and scans each time being rolled onto my side to transfer me to a different bed by the nurses. I screamed in agony – even morphine couldn’t disguise the pain and shock of feeling my pelvis crunch and twist inside of me.

I’ll never forget that day and everything that has come after it.

Zed and I days after

Since my last post, I have been battling hard with depression. The longevity of my recovery, lack of control over my own life and the constant pain is a combination that has – at times – come extremely close to defeating me on numerous occasions. It felt like my usual positive outlook, and feeling of gratefulness that it wasn’t worse, gave way to instead feel like that had been ripped out of my soul, stomped on and spat back in my face over and over again.

Luckily for me, when I feel like I have no fight left, I’ve got Chris, my family and Rose to give me strength, love and laughter.

I am so grateful for having them in my life. An ambulance driver told me on our way to an appointment back at the beginning that it was good to see me in such high spirits because a lot of people give up after major accidents.

I just couldn’t understand why at the time because it was early on and I was still in fight mode, however over the last few months I feel like I get it now and without these people around me I seriously don’t know what I would have done.

I have scars, lots and lots of scars, around 11 in total, some from surgery and some from the accident.

One on my chin and head are fine, they healed super fast, the one on my knee was gross, but again is absolutely fine now. The doctors thought they would have to do a skin graft on my inner thigh, but when I woke up luckily they didn’t have to, they just kind of pulled the skin together resulting in a weird looking chunk out of my leg. But I’d rather that than a skin graft. That scar and the one on my inner arm still itch and twitch all the time and are ever changing in appearance.

I have a tank shaped dint out of my pubic area from the impact of the accident, and that is what shattered my pelvis. There is also a surgical scar from groin to groin that has been the gnarliest, plus other little scars about an inch long dotted around my hips from the external fixture I had for the first few days.

The external fixture was a relief after the corset

I got all the stitches out on one day – another memorable day! Haha.

It was hell. I can’t remember how many staples and stitches I had but my body was littered with them and the poor nurse had never seen anything like it. It took hours and it hurt, really bad. But it was done and the healing and ridding myself of hospitalness really started from then!

All in all I was pretty lucky, I really don’t mind any of my scars, they’re pretty discreet considering and the one that most people would see on my arm is cool as fuck because its on my blacked out tattooed arm, you can see it clearly in this photograph below by Christian of two storey shed from the motorcycle social in Leeds.

You can see the scar clearly in this photo by Chirstian of Two Storey Shed

The constant pain coming from the SI fixation of my sacroiliac joint, or the massive screw holding my pelvis to my spine, has been exhausting.

After the initial 4 months of agony and drug dependency, as my body healed and I began to walk again, I refused to take any more pain killers. I didn’t want to be dependant on them and they fuck my stomach up too, never mind turning my brain into mush. But after months this took its toll, I was constantly exhausted and hurting and as a result of that I became very depressed. It felt like I was going backwards, I had to quit my membership at the gym because I was too unwell to go, I couldn’t even do light work outs at home, if I did I’d be in agony for days after.

This hit me hard after so much progress in the beginning. Since the accident it has felt like my life has been out of my hands, I haven’t been in control of anything, I can’t do what I want, go where I want, my finances are out of my hands, I can’t ride, I’ve lost my creative mojo. I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to people, I’ve been dependant on others, everything that made me me was fading.

Focusing on my health was a way of me getting back in control, so when this became harder and harder I just felt like I was a pointless waste of space, wasting away on the sofa.

My loved ones came to the rescue again and after many debates we decided it best that I go back on the medication, so I did and it helped. I was finding I had a few hours in the day where I could get stuff done. The pain never left but my brain was dealing with it a lot better. Slowly, slowly I started to get back to being able to exercise and walk around a bit with my walking stick to help.

using my walking stick to get lost in West Wales

For months and months nothing changed, it hurt when I sat down, hurt when I stood, it hurt when I walk and I was tired all the time, so what was I meant to do?

Nothing I did made the pain any better or any worse, it was just there constantly, I was worried it was the screw in my spine, in my head if we could take that screw out, it’d be like an instant relief, ahhhhhhh!

But then that would mean more surgery and for something that might not even help! I tried to contact my surgeon but have been unsuccessful so far, however I have an appointment coming up with another specialist, so we can discuss it then.

So nothing was making it better and this might never go away. Once I got that into my head I realised the only way to get through this is to work with it, deal with it, manage the pain and the exhaustion.

However I also realised that nothing was making it worse, it’s not about what I can’t do anymore its about what I can do. So I thought fuck it, its time to get on with life, let’s get back on the bike!!

I did, and it was as if Id never been away! I borrowed Chris’ monstrous FXR, he rode the shovel and we pootled about Wales for most of the day, the sun was shining, the bike was loads of fun, we got to ride side-by-side again, everything just felt right.

Whilst I was riding it was the first time since the accident that I’ve not been aware of my injuries, my back didn’t hurt, my mind was focused, the wind against my face soothed my soul, the feeling of being in control – that feeling I’ve been missing for almost a year at this point – it was perfect. I felt like me again.

I physically couldn’t have done it without Chris, not only for lending me the bike but he has to manoeuvre it for me whilst idle, I was so scared about putting my hip out. He’s also always encouraging and pushing me but there to catch me if I fall, I’ve even been back on the track! – anything’s possible in this life with that kind of support behind you! So stoked about the future!

Always there to help

I’ve also started drawing again and generally feeling creative and on it, the flood gates to my life are opening and it feels amazing, socially I feel a lot more at ease, I’m starting to enjoy chit chat again, I danced all night at the Hook-Up with my best mate and I can ride a bike all day without it hurting.

Photo of me drawing by Tom Bing

I still can’t walk far or stand up for long and I’m battling exhaustion day to day, but my situation is blessed compared to many out there, I still have a long way to go, but fuck it – look at where I was a year ago today!

Here’s to being Alive!!