After deciding we couldn’t do the trip, it’s safe to say we both felt pretty down.
It was supposed to be so much more then just a trip, a chance for us to spend a solid month together, just us and our bikes.
We were to get back to the world we love, back to normality, fun, being care free again and experiencing a crazy adventure together like the dreamy times we shared together before my accident.
For me personally it was the light at the end of the tunnel, to have that goal taken away left me feeling lost, confused and extremely frustrated.
Looking back, relaunching my company The Meat Hook was a mistake, it was too early, it caused me to revert back to that busy mindset of working, that feeling that if I stop the bills won’t get paid, having to be sharp and on point, creative and productive. I just couldn’t keep up.
My body was weak and didn’t look like my own, scars, dents, muscle loss.
I was up to my eyeballs in almost 9 month’s worth of paperwork from my insurance, self employment, claims for benefits etc. I was in such a mess!
My usual high spirits and positive attitude were fading fast.
I felt useless, like I had nothing to offer the world, I felt like a drain on my loved ones, a shit person to be around, everything that came out of my mouth was negative, every thought that crossed my mind was negative.
I couldn’t handle anything going wrong, any criticism, or sadly any of my friends’ problems. I was beginning to feel like I was not here any more, I was becoming a new shit version, an empty shell of the strong, active, funny, positive person that I used to be.
Over three weeks passed and I was getting pretty worried, I’d never been down for that long before.
Anger was beginning to set in. Angry at myself, I felt pathetic that I couldn’t even control my own brain. I had so many positives in my life, I knew this, but I couldn’t focus on any of them. The negativity was finally winning, dragging me to that sinking ship in a deep, dark sea of depression.
I didn’t want to put this on my loved ones any more, so I clammed up, like I always do when I’m struggling.
They’ve been through this with me every step of the way and they’re tired too, they’re frustrated and they definitely don’t want to see me down after I’ve come this far.
I wasn’t the only one pinning my hopes on getting better in six months (as I was originally told by doctors).
Chris deserves to have his girl back, my friends deserves to have me back and my family deserve to have their daughter/little sister back. But I wasn’t back yet.
With no professional help either, I felt like I was at the bottom of that deep, dark sea.
My loved ones, being the amazing people they are, all realised I wasn’t doing so good, but they made it very clear that I am never a burden (which I know deep down but can’t help feeling it).
None of us knew what to do to help, so we discussed the situation at various points over the weeks.
The basic conclusion was to take a few steps back, forget the trip, forget about work, forget how strong and focused I used to be. It will all come back when the time is right. For now I need to realise that this could take a hell of a lot longer than I ever could have imagined and there’s probably going to be more set backs, so I have to focus on things I can do rather than getting down about all the things I can’t.
I’ve put in place a basic structure using a notes system on my phone. I have lists, lots of lists!!
The most important list is stuff I have to do every day, more of a reminder, this list is the most basic, for when I’m hurting really bad or when I’m feeling better.
Every day I have to make sure I eat well, keep the house tidy, and do some sort of exercise. When I’m hurting I can manage a bit of physio, this is not easy, but it is achievable, which makes me feel good afterwards. When I’m not hurting i can do a bit more, yoga, swimming or my favourite, a light walk out in the peaks.
The other lists are for when I’m feeling a little better. One contains ‘serious stuff’ aka boring stuff, benefits, insurance, blah, blah, blah, haha.
The second is titled ‘good for the soul’ things like drawing, going for a little drive, sewing, taking a bath. The third is just a basic ‘To do’ list. I find having things in list form and being able to cross them off satisfies me and helps me feel like I’ve achieved something, no matter how small. This basic little system has been my life jacket, my dolphin, my friggin mermaid or whatever it is that rescues people from the deep, dark sea, accepting and realising that life isn’t going to be as it was for a time that no one predict and embracing things that i can do instead of being frustrated at the things I cant do.
I started to feel like me again, like me before the accident, I was crossing off tasks left right and centre, super productive, happy, funny, stoked on life.
Then my right hip fucked up again…
For over three weeks I’ve been back on my crutches and in so much pain that won’t go away.
The battle is far from over But! With my positivity topped up to full once again, a good osteopath (finally) and my back to basics system, I’m cool with it, it is what it is, what will be, will be and all that.
I know what to do when I hurt, I have pain killers to help take the edge off it, I get out the TENS machine, the hot water bottle, put on some comfy clothes and just chill the fuck out.
Everything else can wait.
Feeling positive, enjoying one of my better days out in the peaks.