Thursday 13 December 2018

2 years down the road to recovery.

I've been putting writing this off, for a lot of reasons. I guess I’m over talking about it or thinking about it. The ‘accident’ has inevitably become part of who I am and I have really struggled with that for a long time, feeling like it was over shadowing who I really am and everything I’d worked so hard to achieve. I also wanted to write this when it was all over, like a big ol’ positive post, talking about getting my life back, but it has been over 2 years since the accident and the journey doesn’t seem to be nearing an end. Pain levels, expectations and prognosis’ can change everyday. 

So much has happened, lets begin with my move to South Wales, it has been the best thing I have ever done. I miss Yorkshire, no doubt, my friends and family, but I’m with the man I love and we have a dream life together despite these difficulties we face.

At first life in a new Country was going well. I was still getting sciatica type problems, shooting pains down my right leg, constant burning in my lower back where the SI joint is. The pain would leave me sofa bound for 3/4 days until it calmed down, but the pain free times in-between where getting longer, the fatigue was manageable, I was able to walk and drive more, slowly regaining my energy, independence and control over my own life.

One of the first missions of being in Wales was to find a decent physiotherapist. Chris’ friend AJay, who still kills it on a mountain bike after having numerous horrific injuries, including a broken neck, recommended a man named Alan Muckle in Bristol, saying that, if I wasn’t happy with him after the first session, he’d pay for it himself. After being in the care of some not so great therapists, I was dead excited about this recommendation, so I rang him straight away.

Alan turned out to be some sort of wizard! His first session left Chris and I in wonderment, he talked our ear off and got me to do some bizarre looking moves, but he was confident and very knowledgeable about the human body. He really helped me understand fully, how much trauma my body has been through and how I can manage the fatigue and pain. He treated all of my scars, showing us how damaged my nerves were by touching a specific area on the scars, whilst simultaneously putting force on my opposite raised arm, as he put pressure on my scar, I would lose all strength in my arm. He also found out that my right lung wasn’t working, it’d given up because of all the damage and tension on that side of my body. Getting my right lung to function took time and patience, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. All I could do at first was move my rib cage, to mimic breathing, it was exhausting, shattering, I would never of imagined how hard it could be, I had to sit or lay in silence, visualising the air going into my lung, it would get so frustrating at times, but you can’t stop, you gotta breathe! My muscles would ache with every breathe. One day I felt it work! It was such a good feeling, from then on it was a case of retraining my muscle memory to keep doing it, I still catch it not inflating sometimes but most the time, I got it working real good now, this helped massively with the fatigue issues!

It was fascinating stuff, we learnt so much and still do, as he regularly texts us for updates.
He completely got rid of my sciatic/SI pain for a short time. But I then did a classic, which he’d told me not to do, I over did it. The excitement and free feeling of not being in pain was addictive, I wanted to do everything I hadn’t been able to do for the last year, I felt like I was healed. Sessions with Al became less frequent as I improved and constantly battled to reign in my new found energy.

Not being in work was horrible, after tirelessly and proudly running my own business before the accident, I now felt lost and useless. An oppertunity came about at the perfect time to be a laser technician at Chris’ tattoo studio, Physical Graffiti in Cardiff. I got through my training and started to slowly build up a customer base. I couldn’t have gone back into full time work at this point, but the laser tattoo removal was only 3 days a week, I could rest and even lie down if I needed to in-between customers, it’s perfect for me and gave me a sense of purpose again, Illustration jobs also came slowly rolling back in, along with my creative mojo. I was working again and stoked, walking down the street with my head held high!

It was approaching DTRA flat track racing season, Chris competed last year and killed it, I was itching to get involved, after having a go a few years back and loving it! We had a few practice sessions one at Peter Boasts, champion flat track school, thanks to Indian, who sponsored Chris this year. Before the accident I would have been so excited about this, but my nerves threw me into a wreck, I tried to shift using my brake pedal?!?! I was a hot mess, but once I chilled out I enjoyed it, although I bailed early cos I started hurting. 

Getting my flow back at Boasties

I entered the first round of DTRA at Kings Lynn on a mini bike I’d loaned from the Greenfield team, but again, my nerves just went crazy, never known nerves like it, crippling. I just couldn’t function, I was lined up ready to go out and couldn’t start the bike, I was in such a kerfuffle that I hadn’t switched the fuel on, Caylee Hankins spotted it and sorted it but the bike still wouldn’t start,  luckily George pickering came over super chilled and started it, then, as we was going out, I went to shift and my steel shoe got caught on my lever, I fell into Amy of FastWomen but again George came over and sorted it, what a palaver! Anyway, I got out there, it was a wet day, which I love and I somehow managed to bag me a 1st!


Photo of me after the win by my big bro, who came along to support team FTH

Thank you to the DTRA fam for being so good with me.
I understand that the nerves were my bodies way of telling me to stop, and it makes sense when I find out later what’s wrong with me. Some may think it was dumb of me to enter but my mind really needed to do that race, it was very important for me, to know that I still get that buzz, still get that adrenaline and hadn’t developed ‘THE FEAR’!

However, the next round didn’t go so well, the pain eventually caught up with me, although I guess it was nice of it to give me a break! I’d been on these super strong pain killers called Gapapentin, to help with the sciatic pain, for a good few weeks, taking them at specific times in the day. The race was an early one and my medication hadn’t had chance to kick in, my brain was frazzled, I felt weak and disorientated as well as in pain, so I gave up  DTRA for the year with a heavy heart.

The SI pain had come back like a hot knife constantly wedged in the joint, the sciatica and the fatigue was becoming unbearable, the increasing dosage of Gapapentine took the edge of the pain but it turned my mind into mush, my appetite fading as my stomach was full of nasty meds. my body and my mind were drifting apart at a rate of knots and felt like they well and truly hated each other. My mind wanted to get up, stop sitting around and get on with it, but my body, well my body was on lock down, with the stubbornness of a teenager and the aches of a 90year old.

It would take me a good 2/3 hours to get moving in the morning, once I did, I had another 2/3 hour window where I could get a few things done, mainly getting dressed, getting a wash, trying to do a tiny amount of physio and then cook some food, trying to make sure I was eating enough. I had to miss work on numerous occasions due to fatigue, if I was at work I’d sleep in-between customers. I’d get home and that was it, I’d crash and my body would cease up, every muscle, every joint would be agony, I’d fall to sleep unknowingly on the couch, then wake up completely baffled and upset from the confusion, like I was awake, then I just passed out? It was horrible.

We had some emergency sessions with Al, he really helped my mentality giving me lots of calming techniques whilst doing what he could for my SI joint. He explained how my body is in constant Trauma, it still thinks the SI is separated and is going into survival mode over and over again. I was doing the moves he’d given me to try reconnect the nervous path that had been ripped apart during the accident, teaching my body that it is OK. When your body is in such a state, everything is too much, your senses become overwhelmed, I had to sit in a dark room with no sound, light was too bright, noise was too loud, moving was too painful. It felt like everything I loved was being stripped away from me , I couldn’t focus on drawing, no more riding motorcycles, no more driving, no more walking, no more exercising, I was finding socialising near impossible, conversations where hard to focus on, if something didn’t go to plan I’d freak out, I was having some sort of weird personality crisis, which was reflected externally from my frequent change of hair colour, haha. I was also getting mad anxiety, paranoia and becoming more and more introvert, my body was just screaming for help! 
One of the saddest things for me was not being able to listen to music, a few of you may know that I’ve been in bands, I’ve managed music venues, put on gigs, I would go to gigs almost every night of the week and now I was reduced to not even being able to listen to my favourite songs at home, it would exhaust me, emotionally overwhelm me and frustrate me all at the same time and cloud my already stormy brain. Aretha Franklin got me through the long, lonely, painful nights during my stay in hospital but even she couldn’t help me now, music was hurting my head and that was crushing my heart, all the things that would usually get me through difficult times were fading fast. Difficult being an understatement for those times.

Alan was still doing everything he could to help, I will be forever grateful to him and would highly recommend him to anyone suffering from complicated nerve or muscular injuries. 
However, as we later found out, it wasn’t muscular or nerve problems.

I was also in regular communication with my solicitors and had had an offer for settlement made by the opposing firm. This isn’t something I can discuss yet but trust me, it is a complete head fuck, mind melter, soul destroyer, especially when you’re feeling so vulnerable . I guess I’ll go into that one day when the dust has settled.

I stopped at my parents for a few days, they got to see how life was for me and seemed pretty shocked at how exhausted I was and how much my pain was ruling my life. Dad and I discussed the injuries and all that I had learnt from Al at length and believed me, (unlike numerous professionals I had spoken too in the past couple of years) that the root of my pain was coming from the screw in my SI. Dad has a very good knowledge of anatomy being a butcher and I guess so do I, having grown up around carcasses. I knew it was the screw in my SI, I could feel it, every second of every day. I wanted it removed, I wanted all the metal removed! I was scared it was poisoning me or my body was rejecting it, I was desperate.
He went on to find pelvic surgeons as my original surgeon was being pretty unhelpful and actually said to me that I was fine, forget the accident ever happened and get on with my life. Yep. So anyway, Dads research lead us to MR Mohanty, a specialist in the SI joint, who happened to practice in Cardiff. 

I booked in with Mr Mohanty immediately and he was quick to diagnose the problem at first glance of my X-rays. So, let me tell you  a bit about the SI joint or sacroiliac joint before I continue. The SI joint connects your pelvis to your spine and is held together by strong ligaments. my accident, as well as causing multiple fractures, turning my pelvis into a sack of marbles, also ripped apart my right SI joint. On the day of my accident, I had my first surgery to stabilise my pelvis, using a big shiny external fixation across the width of my hips and a screw to hold my SI in place. My second surgery was to remove and replace the external fixation with internal screws and plates, as well as stitching up my wounds from the accident.

Mr Mohanty could see instantly that the screw used to secure my SI joint in the initial surgery, was a trauma screw and should have only been temporary.


The troublesome screw circled in my X-ray, that caused me 2 years of Pain

Now put your two fists together, imagining thats your SI joint, it is designed to behave like suspension, when you move, your SI joint moves using natures clever and lovely cushioning of ligaments, now image those ligaments have been ripped apart and will never come back. Then imagine putting one screw through the middle of that joint, a screw that has no thread where the actual joint is (pointed out to me by Mr Mohanty) and then try imagine your body, functioning, or trying to, with that joint loosely held together with one screw enabling it to pivot, grinding bone on bone every time you move. Explains why I was in agony and my body was in constant trauma. My poor, poor body.

Mr Mohanty recommended fusion of the SI Joint, he wanted to take the temporary screw out and replace it with 3 new implants designed by himself called the ifuse implants, they’re triangular shaped tubes made from titanium, designed to allow the bone to grow around them, thus fusing the joint over time. 


This is not my butt! It is a diagram of the proposed operation

Now Mr Mohanty is amazing, but I was losing all faith in the medical system at this point, so Dad and I researched it. I told my dad I didn’t think it was a good idea because upon researching I had found that after SI fusion, people suffered from pain in other surrounding areas, such as the lower back or hip, however he swiftly brought my attention to the fact I was reading up on people with SI syndrome, basically these people hadn’t had their SI ripped apart in an accident like myself, meaning I didn’t really have much of a choice.

It was the brutal truth, I confirmed with Mr Mohanty that I’d like to proceed and within a couple of weeks I was under the knife again, however I did postpone surgery so that I could go to The Hook up, see some friends and enjoy one last little ride on my chopper before the end of summer and Im so glad I did, it was the perfect weekend. 


Last ride of the year, on our way to The Hook Up.

I was super nervous about the op, it knocked me big time, the recovery was awful, I was so, so weak to begin with, not like when I had the accident and I was strong and full of fight, I was already empty, out of strength and well out of positivity at the time of the op.
I couldn’t move, I was in agony and so sick from the anaesthetic, I was on 24 tablets a day plus injections again in my tummy, to thin my blood, so I didn’t develop blood clots as a result of being inactive, just like before when I was in the wheelchair. I was lucky enough to have Chris, who knew the drill, cooking my meals for me, making sure I had everything I needed, carrying me about the house. I also had friends and family come care for me, allowing Chris to have a break, so grateful to them, as I couldn’t do anything myself at that point. it was yet another very tough time and I couldn’t help thinking how much more do I have to endure? I was beginning to feel defeated.


As the weeks passed,I noticed that I wasn’t feeling the sciatic style nerve pain any more, my brain was clearer, I wasn’t as fatigued. The pain that I was feeling made sense now. It was as if I was starting the journey all over again, as if this is how it should have been after the accident in 2016, I was broken, it hurt, but thats fine, I can handle that. 
I began slowly weaning myself off the meds, which was gross, night sweats, fever symptoms, very, very unhappy guts, shivers, dry mouth, depression. I will admit I needed them, I couldn’t of got through it without them, but after being so against most modern medicine for all of my adult life, I felt as if I was swallowing my pride with every pill. 

As the meds left my system, the little light that was me, was glowing brighter, I had my spark back. Chris and I stared planning next years adventures, long awaited camp outs, rides in Europe and the UK on the shovels , racing flat track on the Rotax and Chris on a Harley Davidson Sportster build that he is working on. I had a new found energy, energy and clarity that I hadn’t felt for 2 years, I was back at work, 3 days a week, whilst doing illustration commissions the rest of the week, I was building up how long I could walk, planning routes around the mountains of my beautiful new home town, we was riding more and more, I was able to stay up past 6 o’clock in the evening, I was even going to the gym! Something I’ve been craving as I’ve been sat helplessly, watching my muscles waste away. The thought of no more surgery, no more pain, no more restrictions, was so freeing, I was floating on air, my future was in sight!

My sense of purpose was returning, I was no longer defined by the ‘accident’ I was becoming myself again, Sami Graystone the illustrator, motorcycle rider, singer/song writer ,pro active, happy, glowing, creative young/youngish girl. 

A couple of weeks ago, as I was enjoying a little ride out with Chris, I tweaked my right leg in the wrong direction and my health took yet another unexpected decline. No amount of rest would soothe the pain coming from my SI joint, then followed the nerve pain. 

Devastated.

Now, a lot of thoughts passed through my mind, mainly thinking this is it, the surgery hasn’t worked, I have no more options. This is me for life, unable to walk more than 5 minutes, unable to ride or drive. Our plans for next year, tossed away again, no racing, no chopper adventures, more resting, exhaustion, feeling shitty and searching for answers.

Since I tweaked my leg, Ive had emergency appointments with my surgeon, all is good with the bones. So that’s one stress I don’t have to think about. Then it was up to the Physio team, they’ve diagnosed me with ‘piriformis syndrome’ an uncommon neuromuscular disorder, that has developed from me being in the wheelchair and on crutches for so long. It is very painful, causing your leg to give way underneath you, sciatic pain and generally a massive literal pain in the ass! 

But, it is treatable. Although my current physiotherapist is finding it hard to treat me, as I am in too much pain, so he has referred me for acupuncture, hopefully calming the area so eventually we can begin full treatment. I’m finally having CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, to help me mentally deal with what I’ve been through, the impact its had on my life, my future and how to deal with chronic pain.
Unfortunately Im back on the drugs, but no where near as many as before, they really help me forget about the pain enabling me to get a bit more out of my day, when they wear off, my body goes into melt down again and ceases up, but my mind is getting a lot better, so I can prepare for that and be ok with it. Baths and hot water bottles are everything!

Having to quit next years plans, again, has been devastating, I really thought the operation had sorted me out, I mean it has sorted my SI, which is awesome, but I guess Ive had to get my head around the fact that the accident is most definitely  a part of me, and may affect me for the rest of my life, the damage was very significant and I need to remember that, respecting my body and how it has overcome so much, instead of hating it for not doing what I want. In my head, after the accident, I genuinely thought I could just bounce back, like nothing had happened, but in reality, Im not going to be able to do a lot of the things I want to do ever again. However, I try to focus on the things I can do. 

Huge thanks to my parents for stepping in when I needed them and to Chris for being with me, this affects us both every single day, he is with me through all of the ups and downs, he keeps our bikes running smooth and looking dope, whilst working full time, always on with new creative endeavours, runs FTH, races Flat track and still has plenty of time for me. Some people crumble in these testing times but he is one of those that stays solid as a rock! I don’t believe in luck, but I feel very lucky to have him in my life.


Chris and I repping our brand FTH and our Bikes, photo by MIGPIN

Feel free to message me if you are going through anything remotely similar and would like a chat or if you’re further down the line than myself and have advice that may help me, than please fire away!

Strength and positivity, focus and perseverance, love and be loved!

Sami G











































Thursday 22 November 2018

ONE YEAR ON!

A year ago today.
By about this time, I was in A&E in the Leeds general Infirmary, doctors and nurses swarming around me, neck brace on, covered in blood from the lacerations down my left side. 
I had a fractured skull and was unable to move my legs. My pelvis was shattered and separated from my spine, held together by a corset type contraption.
My body would convulse as each hit of morphine wore off.
I was sent from room to room, to x-rays and scans each time being rolled onto my side to transfer me to a different bed by the nurses. I screamed in agony – even morphine couldn’t disguise the pain and shock of feeling my pelvis crunch and twist inside of me.
I’ll never forget that day and everything that has come after it.
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Zed and I days after
Since my last post, I have been battling hard with depression. The longevity of my recovery, lack of control over my own life and the constant pain is a combination that has – at times – come extremely close to defeating me on numerous occasions. It felt like my usual positive outlook, and feeling of gratefulness that it wasn’t worse, gave way to instead feel like that had been ripped out of my soul, stomped on and spat back in my face over and over again.
Luckily for me, when I feel like I have no fight left, I’ve got Chris, my family and Rose to give me strength, love and laughter.
I am so grateful for having them in my life. An ambulance driver told me on our way to an appointment back at the beginning that it was good to see me in such high spirits because a lot of people give up after major accidents.
I just couldn’t understand why at the time because it was early on and I was still in fight mode, however over the last few months I feel like I get it now and without these people around me I seriously don’t know what I would have done.
I have scars, lots and lots of scars, around 11 in total, some from surgery and some from the accident.
One on my chin and head are fine, they healed super fast, the one on my knee was gross, but again is absolutely fine now. The doctors thought they would have to do a skin graft on my inner thigh, but when I woke up luckily they didn’t have to, they just kind of pulled the skin together resulting in a weird looking chunk out of my leg. But I’d rather that than a skin graft. That scar and the one on my inner arm still itch and twitch all the time and are ever changing in appearance.
I have a tank shaped dint out of my pubic area from the impact of the accident, and that is what shattered my pelvis. There is also a surgical scar from groin to groin that has been the gnarliest, plus other little scars about an inch long dotted around my hips from the external fixture I had for the first few days.
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The external fixture was a relief after the corset

I got all the stitches out on one day – another memorable day! Haha.
It was hell. I can’t remember how many staples and stitches I had but my body was littered with them and the poor nurse had never seen anything like it. It took hours and it hurt, really bad. But it was done and the healing and ridding myself of hospitalness really started from then!
All in all I was pretty lucky, I really don’t mind any of my scars, they’re pretty discreet considering and the one that most people would see on my arm is cool as fuck because its on my blacked out tattooed arm, you can see it clearly in this photograph below by Christian of two storey shed from the motorcycle social in Leeds.

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You can see the scar clearly in this photo by Chirstian of Two Storey Shed

The constant pain coming from the SI fixation of my sacroiliac joint, or the massive screw holding my pelvis to my spine, has been exhausting.
After the initial 4 months of agony and drug dependency, as my body healed and I began to walk again, I refused to take any more pain killers. I didn’t want to be dependant on them and they fuck my stomach up too, never mind turning my brain into mush. But after months this took its toll, I was constantly exhausted and hurting and as a result of that I became very depressed. It felt like I was going backwards, I had to quit my membership at the gym because I was too unwell to go, I couldn’t even do light work outs at home, if I did I’d be in agony for days after.
This hit me hard after so much progress in the beginning. Since the accident it has felt like my life has been out of my hands, I haven’t been in control of anything, I can’t do what I want, go where I want, my finances are out of my hands, I can’t ride, I’ve lost my creative mojo. I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to people, I’ve been dependant on others, everything that made me me was fading.
Focusing on my health was a way of me getting back in control, so when this became harder and harder I just felt like I was a pointless waste of space, wasting away on the sofa.
My loved ones came to the rescue again and after many debates we decided it best that I go back on the medication, so I did and it helped. I was finding I had a few hours in the day where I could get stuff done. The pain never left but my brain was dealing with it a lot better. Slowly, slowly I started to get back to being able to exercise and walk around a bit with my walking stick to help.
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using my walking stick to get lost in West Wales

For months and months nothing changed, it hurt when I sat down, hurt when I stood, it hurt when I walk and I was tired all the time, so what was I meant to do?
Nothing I did made the pain any better or any worse, it was just there constantly, I was worried it was the screw in my spine, in my head if we could take that screw out, it’d be like an instant relief, ahhhhhhh!
But then that would mean more surgery and for something that might not even help! I tried to contact my surgeon but have been unsuccessful so far, however I have an appointment coming up with another specialist, so we can discuss it then.
So nothing was making it better and this might never go away. Once I got that into my head I realised the only way to get through this is to work with it, deal with it, manage the pain and the exhaustion.
However I also realised that nothing was making it worse, it’s not about what I can’t do anymore its about what I can do. So I thought fuck it, its time to get on with life, let’s get back on the bike!!
I did, and it was as if Id never been away! I borrowed Chris’ monstrous FXR, he rode the shovel and we pootled about Wales for most of the day, the sun was shining, the bike was loads of fun, we got to ride side-by-side again, everything just felt right.
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Whilst I was riding it was the first time since the accident that I’ve not been aware of my injuries, my back didn’t hurt, my mind was focused, the wind against my face soothed my soul, the feeling of being in control – that feeling I’ve been missing for almost a year at this point – it was perfect. I felt like me again.
I physically couldn’t have done it without Chris, not only for lending me the bike but he has to manoeuvre it for me whilst idle, I was so scared about putting my hip out. He’s also always encouraging and pushing me but there to catch me if I fall, I’ve even been back on the track! – anything’s possible in this life with that kind of support behind you! So stoked about the future!
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Always there to help
I’ve also started drawing again and generally feeling creative and on it, the flood gates to my life are opening and it feels amazing, socially I feel a lot more at ease, I’m starting to enjoy chit chat again, I danced all night at the Hook-Up with my best mate and I can ride a bike all day without it hurting.
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Photo of me drawing by Tom Bing

I still can’t walk far or stand up for long and I’m battling exhaustion day to day, but my situation is blessed compared to many out there, I still have a long way to go, but fuck it – look at where I was a year ago today!
Here’s to being Alive!!

KEEP YA’ CHIN UP LASS

After deciding we couldn’t do the trip, it’s safe to say we both felt pretty down.
It was supposed to be so much more then just a trip, a chance for us to spend a solid month together, just us and our bikes.
We were to get back to the world we love, back to normality, fun, being care free again and experiencing a crazy adventure together like the dreamy times we shared together before my accident.
For me personally it was the light at the end of the tunnel, to have that goal taken away left me feeling lost, confused and extremely frustrated.
Looking back, relaunching my company The Meat Hook was a mistake, it was too early, it caused me to revert back to that busy mindset of working, that feeling that if I stop the bills won’t get paid, having to be sharp and on point, creative and productive. I just couldn’t keep up.
My body was weak and didn’t look like my own, scars, dents, muscle loss.
I was up to my eyeballs in almost 9 month’s worth of paperwork from my insurance, self employment, claims for benefits etc. I was in such a mess!
My usual high spirits and positive attitude were fading fast.
I felt useless, like I had nothing to offer the world, I felt like a drain on my loved ones, a shit person to be around, everything that came out of my mouth was negative, every thought that crossed my mind was negative.
I couldn’t handle anything going wrong, any criticism, or sadly any of my friends’ problems. I was beginning to feel like I was not here any more, I was becoming a new shit version, an empty shell of the strong, active, funny, positive person that I used to be.
Over three weeks passed and I was getting pretty worried, I’d never been down for that long before.
Anger was beginning to set in. Angry at myself, I felt pathetic that I couldn’t even control my own brain. I had so many positives in my life, I knew this, but I couldn’t focus on any of them. The negativity was finally winning, dragging me to that sinking ship in a deep, dark sea of depression.
I didn’t want to put this on my loved ones any more, so I clammed up, like I always do when I’m struggling.
They’ve been through this with me every step of the way and they’re tired too, they’re frustrated and they definitely don’t want to see me down after I’ve come this far.
I wasn’t the only one pinning my hopes on getting better in six months (as I was originally told by doctors).
Chris deserves to have his girl back, my friends deserves to have me back and my family deserve to have their daughter/little sister back. But I wasn’t back yet.
With no professional help either, I felt like I was at the bottom of that deep, dark sea.
My loved ones, being the amazing people they are, all realised I wasn’t doing so good, but they made it very clear that I am never a burden (which I know deep down but can’t help feeling it).
None of us knew what to do to help, so we discussed the situation at various points over the weeks.
The basic conclusion was to take a few steps back, forget the trip, forget about work, forget how strong and focused I used to be. It will all come back when the time is right. For now I need to realise that this could take a hell of a lot longer than I ever could have imagined and there’s probably going to be more set backs, so I have to focus on things I can do rather than getting down about all the things I can’t.
I’ve put in place a basic structure using a notes system on my phone. I have lists, lots of lists!!
The most important list is stuff I have to do every day, more of a reminder, this list is the most basic, for when I’m hurting really bad or when I’m feeling better.
Every day I have to make sure I eat well, keep the house tidy, and do some sort of exercise. When I’m hurting I can manage a bit of physio, this is not easy, but it is achievable, which makes me feel good afterwards. When I’m not hurting i can do a bit more, yoga, swimming or my favourite, a light walk out in the peaks.
The other lists are for when I’m feeling a little better. One contains ‘serious stuff’ aka boring stuff, benefits, insurance, blah, blah, blah, haha.
The second is titled ‘good for the soul’ things like drawing, going for a little drive, sewing, taking a bath. The third is just a basic ‘To do’ list. I find having things in list form and being able to cross them off satisfies me and helps me feel like I’ve achieved something, no matter how small. This basic little system has been my life jacket, my dolphin, my friggin mermaid or whatever it is that rescues people from the deep, dark sea, accepting and realising that life isn’t going to be as it was for a time that no one predict and embracing things that i can do instead of being frustrated at the things I cant do.
I started to feel like me again, like me before the accident, I was crossing off tasks left right and centre, super productive, happy,  funny,  stoked on life.
Then my right hip fucked up again…
For over three weeks I’ve been back on my crutches and in so much pain that won’t go away.
The battle is far from over But! With my positivity topped up to full once again, a good osteopath (finally) and my back to basics system, I’m cool with it, it is what it is, what will be, will be and all that.
I know what to do when I hurt, I have pain killers to help take the edge off it, I get out the TENS machine, the hot water bottle, put on some comfy clothes and just chill the fuck out. 
Everything else can wait.
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Feeling positive, enjoying one of my better days out in the peaks.

HARSH REALITY AND TOUGH DECISIONS

It’s been a while since our last post, we’ve been busy working on bringing Zed back to life and pushing Chris’ new build forward. But we’ve also been having to make some tough decisions with regards to our Euro trip: we’ve had to postpone it. 
I’ve had a couple more physio sessions, concentrating on my right hip joint to try and ease the pain that I’ve been experiencing. It’s mainly been manipulating the joint, trying to loosen it up, but being honest, it wasn’t really helping.
I joined the gym and have been going everyday, focusing on getting control of my own health again. No lifting weights like Arnie, but small swim and cycle sessions. Exhaustion sets in afterwards, but the satisfaction of doing something productive with my day makes up for that!
I also got myself a little car, that might be nothing special, but to me it is FREEDOM!
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Me and the Pug in the peaks
I had a few emotional first journeys in the car when I realised I could now get around myself and it didn’t hurt too bad.
It’s also been a good introduction back onto the road, the anxiety I was feeling after my accident is fading fast. I was always a very alert and confident driver/rider so I wouldn’t say I look at the road different, I just feel like I’m getting back to enjoying it again and not being super paranoid every time I see a vehicle wanting to pull out or turn across my path.
The transition from walking with one crutch to no crutch had to be quick and smooth so I didn’t develop a limp, and having the car helped that as it meant I could walk from my house to the driver’s seat and get to where I was going without crutches. In the supermarket I use the trolley to aid my walking even if i’m just grabbing a cheeky pint of milk. I was walking very uncomfortably, with a monster limp and my face probably looked like I was angry as fuck but I was just concentrating on every step to not fuck my hip up.
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one small step at a time without my crutches
I was still suffering from this pain in the right hip joint, still leaving me couch bound, which had me up and down with pain and with my mental health.
It seems to be getting harder to cope with mentally, the closer you get to normality the harder it is when you have a shit day. Boom, in an instant back to crippling pain and not being able to live my life the way I want, not knowing when it’s going to calm down.
My friend has been going to an osteopath and she mentioned my situation to him. He asked for my details as he was soon to be trailing the K Laser, a type of laser therapy aimed at speeding up the healing process.
He was offering the treatment for free, in return he just wanted my feedback. At this point I was desperate, physio wasn’t working and was few and far between. After an initial assessment and looking at my X-rays, the osteopath recognised almost straight away that all my pain was coming from the screw in my sacroiliac joint – the screw holding my pelvis to my spine. I was impressed by this diagnosis, he was more thorough and seemed more informed than any other professional I’d spoken to, so I swiftly agreed to an intensive 2 week treatment plan.
I had the first session with no real expectations, but man, afterwards I went food shopping and for a split second I felt as if I’d never been in an accident – I couldn’t believe it! 
I haven’t felt that good in eight months now. I was walking smoothly without feeling every step aching, pulling or crunching underneath me. I was trying to tell myself: ‘this can’t be true, it must be all in my mind!’
I was instructed to keep it warm, so I strapped the trusty hot water bottle to me. The area was painful and achey towards the night and it kept me from sleeping until the early hours, I was worried thinking, ‘what have I signed up for here?’ But in the morning I was walking about with no limp, no sharp pain, and I was absolutely over the moon.
Having my car has given me a new lease of life, I’ve been to so many places: driving out to the peaks to eat my dinner, popping to Hull to see my family, and Leeds to visit friends. My former life, of being busy, active and sociable, is slowly coming back to me. However I’m still in constant pain around my pelvis, spine, knee and hip joints, and it’s exhausting, but it is more manageable than before. Slowly I am able to do more with my days, before I have to hitch a ride on the kip train like a nanna. 
So, I’m sad to say, with our trip approaching soon, we’ve made the decision that I’m not fit enough to endure a month on the road, and we’re absolutely gutted beyond belief. But for the first time in my life, my health has to be my priority. I cannot deal with the consequences of hurting myself anymore or potentially prolonging my injuries. We haven’t written this plan off completely, far from it, it’s still a goal, the posts have just been moved back.
I feel strangely sensible, mildly boring but confident we’ve made the right decision however sucky it may be – I’m not the tough cookie right now that I used to be.
We’ve still got loads of mini adventures in the pipeline and obviously Chris is still building his new beaut of a steed, so we’re gonna keep updating the blog and insta.
Thank you for all the responses to our blog so far, its awesome to think people enjoy reading our little updates, makes it all worth while.